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You can Tell an FEP by his/her license plate

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It is estimated that, at any given time, 15% of all motorists are drunk. So how do we explain the other 85%? It has to do with their state of origin. And just as Wisconsin cops watch license plate tags to ensure that all visiting Illinois cars get tickets, you can prepare your Labor Day motoring responses by checking plates and acting accordingly. We think FEP grads fit the bill as typical drivers from these states:

FEP from California: Home of the Freeway Gunslinger. Still, you can take comfort driving behind Californians who are talking on cellular phones or applying mascara. At least you can see their hands!

FEP from Colorado: Loathed by neighbors, Colorado Greenies were the first with those annoying healing crystals dangling from their rear-view mirrors. They don’t pass you on the highway, they “transcend.”

FEP from New Jersey: Garden Staters drive right to left, creating road space from thin air as they seek the ultimate fast lane. Hence, the invention of the so-called Jersey Barrier and the naming of the Turnpike’s Vince Lombardi Rest Stop.

FEP from Maryland: Blessed with “dual” highways since colonial days, Marylanders were first to discover the passing lane. And they aren’t giving it up.

FEP from Washington: One-upping Maryland’s lane pigs, Washingtonians (Staters not DC-ers) do a cluster crawl known as “chain driving,” where in all traffic slows to 50 mph behind the three-lane jerk barrier.

FEP from Texas: Lone Star motorists are taught at an early age (between 2 and 3) “There’s a gun rack. This is the beer cooler. That’s the gas pedal. Pass only on the right!”

FEP from the District of Columbia: Home of the beaded seat cover, everyone here, including the small minority with driver’s licenses, learned to drive in countries with no cars or in states with no laws. Their predictably erratic behavior is highlighted by a propensity to pass you on the off ramp curves.

FEP from Montana: Don’t’ mess with these boys. Here, a passenger-side air bag has been and always will be referred to as “the old lady.”

FEP from South Carolina: It is not so much the South Carolinian who is to be feared as the actual car, usually a ‘70s vintage Bondo-tone Pontiac that couldn’t pass inspection in Mexico.

FEP from Delaware: Drivers’ personalities match the nondescript landscape here in “The Puny State.” Be kind. Delaware has but one paved road, so its motorists get little practice.

FEP from Florida: Motorists not employed in drug trafficking have cataracts. Drivers, usually headless as view from the rear, actually stop at red lights. For quite a while.

FEP from Arizona: This license plate invariably has a Winnebago bolted to it. You know what that means.

With thanks and apologies to J. Taylor Buckley, senior editor on some newspaper. Which one, who knows? Mr. Buckley wrote and published the original and Dave Lucier adapted for FEPs. ’ However, we think J. Taylor Buckley overlooked a few states:

FEP from Massachusetts: Home of the rotary traffic circle and the “Big Dig” and liberals. You don’t to be bisexual to take both sides of the road. Boston, you ask? Don’t try to drive there. Make one wrong turn or be in the wrong lane to exit, and you’ll know what being “lost” really means. And then when you finally find a parking spot and decide to ride the “T," you’ll know why Charlie never returned, in the Kingston Trio’s famous song.

FEP from New York: Yes, Empire Staters deserve ignominious recognition, particularly those from NY City. There are no more arrogant drivers than ones who live in “The City” and occasionally drive “Up State” or onto “The Island,” especially if the go out toward “The Hamptons.” And then there is the “Miracle Mile” cruisers made famous by himself a Long Islander, Billy Joel. And then there are those visitors to the Adirondacks from downstate NY (and worse yet, those with New Jersey plates), we Upstaters need them to spend their money, but prefer they stay home!

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Last modified Sunday, Jul-02-2006 11:33 AM
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